Coming out refers to the expression “coming out of the closet” meaning to tell others about your sexual orientation. Being closeted is the opposite of being out.  In this section you will find information on:

• Coming out to yourself
• Benefits and Risks of coming out
• How to "come out"
• Common misperceptions
• I’ve told someone, am I out now?

Coming out to yourself

From birth, most of us are raised to think of ourselves as fitting into a certain mould. Our culture and our families teach us that we are “supposed” to be attracted to people of the opposite sex, and that boys and girls are supposed to look, act and feel certain ways. Few of us were told we might fall in love with someone of the same sex. That’s why so many of us are scared, worried or confused when facing these truths. Opening up to the possibility that you may be lesbian or bisexual or even just questioning your sexuality means opening up to the idea that you might not fit the mould that's expected. It’s also why coming out and living more openly is a profoundly liberating experience. The first person you have be open with is yourself.

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The Benefits of Coming Out:

Most people come out because, sooner or later, they can’t stand hiding who they are anymore. They want their relationships to be stronger, richer, more fulfilling and real. Once we do come out, most of us find that it feels far better to be open and honest than to hide such a basic part of ourselves. We also come to recognize that our personal decision to live openly helps break down barriers and stereotypes that have kept others in the closet. And in doing so, we make it easier for others to follow our example.

The Risks of Coming Out:

Coming out can be very difficult for people beginning to realise their sexuality. Many people fear rejection from friends, family and society in general and may decide not to come out because of this fear.  For all the benefits of coming out, there are also risks:

• Not everyone will be understanding or accepting.
• Family, friends or co-workers may be shocked, confused or even hostile.
• Some relationships may permanently change.
• We may experience harassment or discrimination.
• Some young people may be thrown out of their homes or lose financial support from parents.

When you weigh the benefits and risks of being open about who you are, it’s important to remember that the person in charge of your coming out journey is you. You decide who to confide in, when to do it and how. You also decide when coming out just may not be right, necessary or advisable. 

Some people come out during puberty as they first begin to have sexual feelings and may have no problems in doing so. Others, depending on their circumstances, may find a varying degree of difficulty in coming out. People can and do come out at all stages of life - in their teens, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and so on.

There is no one right or wrong way to come out or live openly. Choosing to come out or to be open does not mean you have to be out at all times or in all places — you decide how, where and when based on what’s right for you. Your sexual orientation and gender identity are important pieces of you, but they do not have to define you. Living openly doesn’t change all the many unique things that make you who you are.

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How to come out?

There is no easy or fast track way to come out; it is a gradual process for some and an instant process for others. Some people will live a perceived “straight” life for a long time in order to hide their homosexuality from those around them. Others will know from an early age that they are attracted to people of the same sex and coming out may not be necessary for them as they will never have been in the closet in the first place.

The very first step to coming out is admitting to yourself that you are lesbian or bi-sexual. This can be the hardest stage for many people. Discovering you are same sex attracted can come as a shock to some and they may already have certain views & stereotypes about homosexuals.  Strongly held negative views can lead to a person developing what’s called internalised homophobia.

Internalised homophobia is when a person's sexual desire contradicts the values they have developed from upbringing, religious background or society. A person may feel great discomfort with their own desires as a result and may even develop an attitude of self-loathing.

Admitting to oneself that you are lesbian or bi-sexual is the first step to coming out; if you can’t admit it to yourself then you can never say it to other people. Only you know if you are a lesbian or bi-sexual woman and the first step to admitting this to yourself is by being honest with yourself about your feelings. This is not easy and will take a lot of courage but it is the best way to having happy and meaningful relationships in the future.

This process can take some time and there is no rush to come out. Perhaps try saying out loud to yourself first. When you are ready, and you and only you will know when that is, you might try to tell someone else.

Some people choose to confide in a close friend at first, others choose a sibling, or parent. Whoever you feel the most comfortable telling is usually the best option. You may want to tell them out right and see what their reaction is like, you may want them to guess, you may want to find some information resources for them to read after you have told them, as many people do not know much about homosexuality and it is often this lack of knowledge that makes them reject it.

Remember, you have not changed as a person, your sexuality is a big part of who you are, but being honest and open about it does not change who you are. Your personality will not change, you don’t have to change anything about yourself.

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Common misconceptions:

Many people have an idea about homosexual stereotypes and may become even more confused by their sexuality when they don’t fit the mould of common stereotypes. The following are a few myths about lesbians that might help you come to terms with your sexuality and coming out.

FALSE:

All lesbians look like men and are just women who want to be men. They all have short hair, they all wear men’s clothes and they never wear make-up. If you want to be accepted as a lesbian you have to change so you are the same.

TRUE:

Lesbians are simply women who are attracted to other women. They are mothers, daughters, grand-daughters, sisters, grandmothers, aunts and cousins. Like all of these they come in different shapes and sizes, they wear different clothes and have different personalities. Just because you’re a lesbian or bi-sexual woman does not mean you have to change everything about you.

FALSE:

Lesbians are attracted to all women. Many people believe that when someone is a lesbian they are automatically attracted to all women, including their friends etc.

TRUE:

Just like heterosexual women are not attracted to all men, homosexual women are not attracted to all women. We are all attracted to different types of women and who we are attracted to is not determined only by our sexuality, it is a matter of personal taste and personality.

FALSE:

Lesbians hate men.

TRUE:

Lesbians do not hate men, just because they are not attracted to men, does not mean that we hate them. Lesbians have fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles and male friends who they love, they do not hate men, they are simply not attracted to them.

FALSE:

Bi-sexuality is only a transitional phase on the way to being lesbian.

TRUE:

Bi-sexuality is a sexuality in its own right. Some people may identify as bi-sexual on their way to being lesbian but others will remain bi-sexual for the rest of their lives.

FALSE:

You can’t trust a bi-sexual as they are attracted to everyone and are more likely to cheat.

TRUE:

Just as lesbians are not attracted to every girl, bi-sexuals are not attracted to everyone they meet. Bi-sexual people simply have the capacity be attracted to both males and females at the same time, this is not the same as fancying everyone they meet.

FALSE:

Bi-sexuals are greedy and just want the best of both worlds.

TRUE:

Bi-sexual people are not any more greedy than any other person, they are simply able to find both men and women sexually attractive.

FALSE:

Women just say they are bi-sexual because it is trendy and will attract men.

TRUE:

Some women might allude to the idea of them being with a woman because this attracts men, however, not everyone who says they are bi-sexual is doing this and generally most people who identify as bi-sexual do not find it trendy. Being part of a sexual minority is not easy or trendy.

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Ok, I’ve told someone, am I out now?

Coming out is not as simple or difficult as telling someone you are lesbian or bi-sexual. There are no rules to coming out and it is all about the personal preference of the individual. Some people may be out to all their friends, but not their family, others may be out at work but not to some friends, some people may be happy to only tell one person be that a parent, friend or sibling. There are no rules and you should only ever tell people you are comfortable telling.

Coming out isn’t a one time only thing but a continuous process that will be repeated throughout a person’s lifetime. Because we live in a heterosexist society, one in which there is a general assumption that everyone is straight, every time you meet a new acquaintance you have to make the choice about whether or not you want them to know you are lesbian or bi-sexual.

The good news is that the more people you tell about your sexuality the easier it will get to tell people and the more comfortable you will become with it.

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